So.. yesterday was my birthday. I have a rule that I never work on my birthday so I got to sleep in a little, which was great. I went to a movie with Ruth, Tom & the kids and Ben got to come along as well. The movie was enjoyable and everyone had a good time. We had lunch and then, I’m so exciting – I took a nap. It’s my birthday, I can nap if I want to.

After my nap I went home, whipped up some ganache and frosting to make some S’mores cupcakes (I had already baked the cupcakes). They tasted good, although I am going to work on my presentation. The graham crackers on top made the frosting not stick well and it slid off for some people. I used my kitchen torch to toast the marshmallow frosting. Yummy.

I had a fun dinner with friends, watched tv, hung out and relaxed. My kind of day.

So.. the past year has been one of growth and reflection. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure myself out, figure out what I want and who I am and where I’m going. The past several weeks have been difficult in that I haven’t been able to see and feel that. I haven’t been able to work on myself. I’ve been doing so much better, but the fact is I’m not done, I may never be “done”. The past couple weeks have shown me that even more.

I need to get back to working on myself. I haven’t been doing all the things I love to do. I haven’t been excited and hopeful. And I need to get back to that. I need to knit more, and not just because I have a deadline, but because I want to. I need to read more. Going back through the notes I took during my therapy sessions, I keep coming back to the notes saying to do the things you love. Not wait til you feel like it or are in the mood, just do it and you WILL feel like it and you will get in the mood.

I’m going to work on something I’m calling Kitchen Therapy. I’m going to focus on doing a new recipe every week – not just baking, but entrees and appetizers as well. I love cooking and baking. I have neglected it so much, eating corn dogs and easy stir fry meals and not spending a lot of time working recipes and trying new ingredients. And I think I need to. So that’s my first goal in making changes to settle my life again.

Since I don’t get paid til Friday, I don’t have a lot of options for a new recipe this week so I am going to do some baking (besides, I need to do something for a get-together tomorrow) and try out a new cookie recipe. Next week I’ll do something savory. Pics and details to come as I try to find myself again through cooking.

So.. sometimes I feel so invisible.

It will happen when I’m driving. Someone will just merge right in front of me, as if I wasn’t there. I’m surprised I haven’t been in more accidents, to be honest. I’ll be cruising along, minding my own, thinking about this or that, when I notice some car just starting to come into my lane. Sometimes they signal, sometimes they don’t, but they never seem to see me. I’ll have to slow down, sometimes braking hard. I’ve even had to swerve. And they go on like nothing happened.

It will happen when I’m talking to a friend. Sometimes it seems they are so absorbed in what they are thinking or doing or feeling, that I’ll say something and it’s like I didn’t even speak. They skip right over whatever I said, as if I never said it. No comment, no notice to it. It happened twice today already.

It will happen at work. Sometimes I find myself patting my legs or arms to see if I’m really here.

It’s not like I’m quiet. I speak loudly enough, I try to make my presence known without being overbearing. I’ll repeat myself sometimes, and still.. nothing. As if The Universe has decided that what I am saying right then or what I am doing isn’t worthy of attention and Censors me out. No one cares, says The Universe. That isn’t important. You aren’t important.

But somehow this never works in my favor. I guess when it’s you vs. The Universe, you never can win.

So.. I like to know the reasons for things. I like to know the how and why and where, because it helps me understand better. I have a very logical mind and I like everything to fit “just so” and then everything is tidy and clean. I do this at work. If my boss asks me for something, I always try to understand the full picture, because then I can offer a better way of doing things. If he simply wants to know x, and I give him x, sometimes he comes back around and wants to know y and z, and had I done the simple asking in the first place, I could have provided that to him upfront.

I do this in relationships too, which doesn’t turn out so well. I can’t take a “we should take a break” and not ask why. I need to understand. And most men don’t want to tell the truth. This isn’t a “he’s just not that into you” chapter, even though it feels that way. So, I asked why. And his response was conflicting. One friend told me it didn’t matter, end of day it means the same thing. One friend told me maybe he’s gay. At least that made me laugh.

Either you want a relationship or you don’t, and either you like me or you don’t. If you are scared, it’s ok, I get scared too.

Monday I gave myself a pity party. It wasn’t just about the one thing. It was every bad thing pressing up against me, reminding me of every failure I’ve ever had. I cried off and on, seeming to turn on randomly, without warning. I talked to a couple friends; I complained, I asked “what’s wrong with me?” But, I also reached out, which is something I didn’t use to do. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I told myself it’s ok to hurt and cry today, but tomorow I’d be ok.

And I woke up Tuesday, eyes sore and tired from crying. I still felt a little sad at my loss this week, but I was ok. I have friends who love and support me when I’m down. I am an intelligent, attractive and creative woman. And any man who can’t see and appreciate that, isn’t worth my time anyway. Easier said than done, sometimes. But this week, I’m ok.

So.. yesterday two of my coworkers brought in their babies. One, who has a 7-month-old boy has brought hers in a few times (he’s precious!) and the other has a 3-month-old girl and it was my first time seeing her. What a ton of hair she had! It’s always fun to see babies, I love them and their laughs and their clothes and their little bitty shoes. Another coworker looked at me and said, “Doesn’t this make you want one?”

“No.”

“What?!?!?!”

I told her I am getting a new neice this summer and that’s good enough for me.

But then I saw this post from Living on 4th Street and, well.. THIS makes me want one.

Living On 4th Street

I love their little stories they make up and how they are so sweet and loving.

And if that doesn’t just tear your heart strings (what are you, made of stone?!?!), THIS will:

Dooce

So.. I love getting my hair done. This is me a year ago. And here I am last summer. This year I decided to try something new and let my stylist have free-reign. Meaning, he can do whatever he wants each time, cut, color, etc.. and I have no say. He calls it being his “hair model” and I call it losing all my control and learning to be ok with it.

Haircut #1 was in January/February:

I liked it, although it wasn’t my favorite cut ever. It was cute, fun and not too different from what I had previously.

Haircut #2 was in March:

I loved this cut and I really enjoyed getting back into using the curling iron and making it cute (and still not taking forever).

I just got my hair done again this week:

Um. Hello. Love, love, love! It’s assymetrical, the right side has longer bangs and the left side is much shorter. I love this look. It’s edgy and fun and I feel like it’s pretty unique. Oh and don’t you totally love that you can see me taking my own picture in the reflection of my glasses?

I’m excited to see what changes come in the future.

So.. I don’t watch Friends often, mostly because Chandler’s 90′s humor is just so annoying at times. I do love Phoebe and wish I knew someone like that in real life. Some of it is funny, but it gets old. Last night, while knitting (yay me! I finished my scarf and am working on a bag now, photos to come!) I had it on because it makes good background noise and doesn’t require much attention.

It was The One With George Stephanopoulos. The girls were having a “sleepover” and talking about their lives and where they were going, etc..

Rachel: And now everything’s, just, kinda like…
Phoebe: Floopy?
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: You just gotta figure at some point, it’s all gonna come together, and it’s just gonna be…. unfloopy.
Phoebe: Ya, like that’s a word.

And I felt so much like Rachel. Everything feels floopy a lot of the time.

Rachel: Phoebe? Do you have a plan?
Phoebe: I don’t even have a “pla”.

From the outside looking in, I have a lot going for me. But, from inside looking out.. there are a lot of pieces missing. A lot of stress and worries I try to hide. I really don’t even have a “pla.”

And I just sat there wondering, what if they ARE just beans? But, like I was saying to Jaime this weekend, sometimes you gotta “fake it til you make it.” So, I will pretend they are magic beans, and maybe it will all be ok.

So.. I always like to be good at things. Come on, who doesn’t? If I start something, I want to not only be good, I want to be super good, and I want to be super good NOW. I hate practicing. I hate the learning part. I want to go from novice to expert overnight. I know it’s unrealistic, but I think it’s the competitive side of me. I’m the most competitive with myself.

I started knitting about two and a half weeks ago. And I want so badly to make cool things like bags, animals, gloves, leg warmers. So far, it’s been scarves. Which are gorgeous and fun, but come on. They are just rectangles. I want to be good. I want to be amazing. I want to be incredible right now.

I have been looking for new blogs to follow, like I do randomly, and this time I was doing searches for knitting blogs. I want to find people to admire and aspire to be. The problem is, they are also making me insanely jealous. Maybe jealous is the wrong word. I don’t think bad of them or wish they weren’t good. I just wish I WAS good. I wish I could whip out all these amazing projects. I wish my blog was full of all these projects I’d made. And I guess at some point they will be.

But maybe the biggest thing is I wish I’d started knitting earlier. I missed the Knitting Olympics (how cute is that idea??). I could have done even better homemade gifts for family/friends.

I think that’s one of my biggest struggles. I’m impatient with myself. How do you work on that? Cause pretty much I tell myself “I want to stop being impatient.. NOW!” and.. well, you can see the issues with that statement.

So.. last night for some unknown reason I couldn’t sleep. I woke up three times, the last time for at least two hours, laying there thinking about random things. And one of those random things was “if my house was on fire, what would I grab?”

I think it started off because I smelled something smokey and I just thought “uh oh is the house on fire?!?!” It wasn’t. Obviously.

But, it led to an interesting thought. Here is my list..

1) My dogs, of course.

B) If I was upstairs, I would grab my teddy bear I’ve had since I was a baby. If I wasn’t, I don’t know if I’d risk it..

3) My phone, so I could call for help. It’s always nearby anyway.

4) The blanket my sister-in-law made for me for Christmas a year ago. I also thought about the scarves my mom has made me, but they aren’t as handy to grab so I’d just have to ask her to make more. And I thought about the plates Miriam made me for Christmas this year, but again, not handy so probably not.

5) My external hard drive. All my photos are on there. And I realized, it was in my laptop bag, which was in the trunk of my car, parked in the garage. Not exactly the quickest grab. So I think I will not be leaving it there anymore, JUST IN CASE.

Anyway, I realized most of what I own is replaceable, and as much as I like them, I could live without. And I liked the feeling of realizing what matters most to me are things that bring me closer to my family.

If anyone wants to share their list, you can post in the comments or blog it and post your link. I’m curious!