So.. last night I went in search of new blogs to read and I found several. One was somewhat new so I read back through all the posts this year (very entertaining dating stories). One I shared with a friend. One I saved for later to go back and read, because, well, to be honest – her story is my story, and I wanted to see what happened to her. Her about me page said it was all behind her now, a year later. It said that now this blog was about just her and her life, but the old posts were there. The past that mirrors mine.

I went back to her first post and read it. And seriously, it’s insane how much it felt like me. I could have written it. I certainly felt it. I have never written out what happened, or how I felt entirely, because at the time I didn’t want to believe it was real, I kept thinking things would go back. I was also maintaining the “privacy” since there are people who know those involved but don’t know the story.

She talked about his “calm” and his “zero feeling.” As I read her post, my heart just hurt, all over again. I remember that sound. The cold way he kept saying, “Let it go. Move on.” I think that’s what hurt the most. The emotional ice cube he became. And even while I cried, he didn’t show a single emotion. It was like he turned it off. He didn’t care. I could sob and he just stood there, almost like it annoyed him.

I’m sorry but after the ‘I love you’s’ and the ‘we’ll be together’s’ I think a girl is allowed to cry when you walk away.

Her second post mentioned that he became a person she didn’t know. Again, that’s me. How can you one day stand in front of me, proclaiming love and devotion, and the next be hard as a stone? Uncaring. Unfeeling.

When I got to her third post, I had to stop. I realized I was just pulling back things I had already moved on from. I’m ok, now. I still have my moments. I still think of him sometimes and miss him. That ache returns faster than I would like to admit. But I’m ok. I’m better off, I tell myself. I really am. He’s not who I was in love with. Not anymore. Maybe not ever, maybe it was always just a game to him.

Maybe someday I’ll write out more of the story. The way he stood in front of me, me on the 2nd stair, hands on his shoulders, begging for some explaination. I never got it. I never will.

Maybe I’ll tell all about the summer nights I’d take him dinner at work. We’d sit at the picnic table outside and eat and talk about life, our future, our dreams.

Looking back now, it’s like they say.. hindsight is 20/20. The things he chose to miss, the way he would start to distance himself, and then come back. My therapist told me I shouldn’t say, “I should have known” because, well how should I? And what good does it do to say that? The past is the past. What happened happened.

I guess the question is “now what?” Where do I go from here? How do I make sure to keep moving forward, and when do I stop looking back?

So.. I wasn’t sure if I was going to post this. But, I guess I will.

Saturday was a rough day for me. It started off well; meeting for coffee with my friends, then the farmer’s market. Only, at the coffee house, I learned something I really didn’t want to know.

M is having a baby.

The person who said it doesn’t know about our situation, said it innocently enough to “mutual friends.” And I had to fake a quick smile and hope for a subject change (which, thankfully came quickly).

My first feeling was that I was the female version of Good Luck, Chuck. But, instead of the people I date then marrying the next person after me, instead they get the next girl pregnant. This is the third time. And, the hardest. Not only because I am still suffering from heartache, missing him and at times wishing things were different (even though I keep repeating: I am better off. I am better off. I am better off). But also because I feel so bad for this child.

Supposedly her birth control “accidentally” failed. I’m positive she purposefully “forgot.” And I just sit in wonder at women who think this is the way to trap the man you are with, to make him stay and “love” you. I told a friend recently that honestly, because of what she’s done in the aftermath of everything, they do deserve each other. It’s sad. I thought they were both smarter, more confident people. Apparently they both choose the easy road, and now a child is going to suffer for it.

But, I need to let go. I need to not care. I need to move on.

I was doing well, until I was shopping at Winco and stupidly went down the aisle with the baby items. And I started crying, uncontrollably, like an idiot. I was thinking of everything he had said to me, everything we had hoped for and planned for. I know he’s not the man I thought he was, that I wanted him to be. I know that I don’t want a family with THIS man. But the man who he used to be (or pretend to be?).. I did see a future, a family with him. And supposedly he saw it with me.

And now, hearing that he’s having a family with her instead, it’s like a knife in the heart, all over.

First love with all its storm, raging like fire within
Tossing your heart to chance, you swear the dance will never end
But then it does and someone says goodbye
And after all those empty nights you cried
The morning that you wake up good as new
That’s the kind of day I wish for you.

So.. I wouldn’t say I’m “good as new” yet, but today is a good day. I think I’m finally heading in the right direction.

So.. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the headache I had for five days went away just hours after I sent the e-mail. The amount of stress my body has endured over the past few months, it’s amazing I don’t have worse problems. What makes me so sad is how very different things are from the way I imagined they would be. I am not angry, I am not bitter. I am simply disappointed.

The thing is, I know I made mistakes, and I know I “should have known better.” I know that. It’s like when your mom tells you all these things and you think “what does she know??” And then you do them anyway… and suffer the consequences. I can’t say “I wish someone had told me” because, multiple someones did. And I simply didn’t listen. I guess I thought we were the exception to the rule, that somehow what we had was enough to survive the rough ride.

I don’t know what was real anymore, I don’t know if he had me fooled all along, or if he’s lying to himself now. Either way, the e-mail I got from him a couple days ago was selfish, cruel, and not written by the man I wanted to spend my life with. That man is gone, and I don’t know if he can ever come back. I hope, for his sake, that he can find that good, strong, sensitive and giving man, and bring him back to life. I don’t think I will ever know if that happens, but I do wish for him that it does.

I thought about his e-mail all day. What to respond. If I should respond. And when I did, I tried my best to remain clear and concise in my thoughts, calm and collected in my emotions. I do still love him. I do still ache for him. And I can’t deny that, not to save my life. But, I can’t let him think just because I love him that he can walk all over me, or ask things of me that are beyond unfair.

Kate asked me if I would take him back if that’s where things went. Part of me wanted to be the woman who could say no, not ever. Part of me wanted to be that strong. But the truth? The truth is, I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll have to ever make that choice, and thank God for that. But if I did, I know it would take a lot of work, and maybe it would be impossible. But I think I would try. Because, I do love him. Even now.

So.. yesterday on my way home from work, I am 95% sure that I saw M driving the other way. All the breath left my chest, my heart stopped. I felt instantly sick, sad and heart broken. All over again.

I’ve been doing so much better, or at least been telling myself I am, or faking it well. I’ve been trying to focus elsewhere. Not allowing myself the time or energy to think about him, what happened, what he’s doing.

It kills me. I miss him. And when I saw him for a brief second yesterday, I realized just how much. All I could do was tell myself to keep breathing.

The storm is coming but I don’t mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that I know is I’m breathing now

I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I’m breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

“Keep Breathing” – Ingrid Michaelson

So.. I have tried to write this post four times, but each time it comes out just as one big long complaint.

I don’t want it to be that way.

Maybe I just need to try again later.

So.. my last post was over a month ago, and before that they were pretty sporadic. I’ve posted a few times about things being rough lately, about a few issues, stress, etc.. but never in much detail.

The reason why I’ve been MIA and reclusive is the past few months I have been dealing with in denial about my depression. I’ve debated for the last week or so just what to say here, or if I should say anything at all. The truth is I still don’t really know what’s going on, how I feel, if things will ever REALLY get better.

Since March I’ve been in a downward spiral, that at first I thought I could control. I thought if I was strong enough, I could make myself better. I thought if things with M worked out, I would be happy again. I didn’t let myself think that maybe I needed help, or maybe this was bigger than me, bigger than the issues M & I are facing.

Two weeks ago I hit a wall. I took three days off work because I didn’t feel like going, because I felt sick to my stomach and because I just couldn’t take thinking and focusing and doing anything. When I came back to work Tuesday, I was overwhelmed with the work that had piled up. I felt neglected by M. I thought it was over.

So I did something drastic*, which I regret now, but I think that was the catalyst and so in a way I guess I don’t regret it. After that, I realized I needed help, I realized I was not behaving like myself. I e-mailed my doctor, I talked honestly with M.

The thing is, my depression isn’t solely because of the current issues. It’s not because things with M are difficult, it’s not because work is stressful and finances are tight. Those add to it, but the fact is, I never learned to deal with my emotions. I’ve always been closed off, and finding someone who I could open up to, while amazing and wonderful, also released a flood from 25 years. And I don’t know how to stop it.

So I am working on it now, finally. I am facing it and trying. I see a doctor next week to hopefully start talking things out, figuring myself out and how to keep my emotions in control and how to know what’s really a big deal and what isn’t. M & I are working on us too, but I think now I finally realize I need to fix me for us to work. He has things to fix too. :p But I think as we both work on our individual things, and we slowly work on our together things, we can get there.

I guess I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I finally feel like I can make progress. But I’m taking it one day at a time. I just am looking forward to being myself again.

*No, I didn’t try to kill myself. Don’t worry.

P.S. I am leaving comments open on this, but they now require approval before posting. Thank you for understanding.

• What a difference thirty minutes made yesterday, after a hard day of struggling with work and spinning wheels and wanting to cry. <3
• I started work on my kitchen cabinets this weekend. Hoping to have some “after” pictures later this week.
• Chloe turned two on Sunday. I gave her a couple of new toys, I wonder how long they will last.
• My little brother Andrew left for his mission for the Mormon church yesterday. I don’t think I ever really said goodbye.
• It was 95 yesterday and again today. Hello, did we skip Spring?
• I feel better about a lot of things right now. I am holding on to that.

So.. I got my first sunburn of the year, and it really hurts.

I didn’t even think about sunscreen while I prepared for the picnic on Sunday. It’s been rainy and windy and I haven’t been out for something like this in months. I wish I had remembered.

It’s made me a little bit miserable for the last couple days. Thankfully Aloe Vera (with Lidocaine!) is helping a lot. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll even be able to go into work.

That’s not the only reason I haven’t been posting, though. I’m still trying to figure out how to take my thoughts and feelings and everything and put it into this little text box. Made harder by the fact that some things I can’t say for now, and some things I’m afraid to say out loud.

I’ve said before things are like a roller coaster, and that’s continued. I think I came to a realization last night though, something that maybe will help me and my situation. Not quite fake it til you make it but a similar idea.

What I have learned and can share is, you can’t do things alone. We all need help sometimes, and we all need to learn to accept it from those who we love and who love us.

So.. this weekend I got a lot of rest, and yesterday I felt normal and human again for the first time in a while. I vacuumed the downstairs (had to empty the container twice – ew!) and I cleaned the downstairs bathroom (again, quite “ew”!). Even though the carpets are stained and I can’t wait to replace them, I can tell the difference and it’s nice to have it at least a bit cleaner, more organized.

I took dinner over to Ruth’s and when I came home, I think it was the first time since moving that it felt like coming “home.”

M came by this morning before work. Spending time with him is like magic, and I’m so glad to have that around again. I’ve missed him.

I went to work today. It’s weird, cause in the last couple weeks I have been at home more than I’ve been at work. First I was sick a few weeks ago, then I moved, then I passed out. Going in to work this morning was odd, but good. It was nice to get out and be around people. My coworker who shares an office with me temporarily is out of town for work this week. I was disappointed she wasn’t there, but I got a lot done today so that was good. We move back to our old cubicles Wednesday. The remodel at work looks good, and I think it’ll be a nicer work environment when it’s done.

I’m trying to catch up on blogs I read, twitters, etc. I’ve cut back a bit, because I’m tired and because I need to focus on other things. Like vacuuming the upstairs today, and maybe cleaning the upstairs bathroom if I’m brave and ambitious enough. But it’s nice to be back in a routine again. Although I think this new routine includes going to bed early.