So.. I like to know the reasons for things. I like to know the how and why and where, because it helps me understand better. I have a very logical mind and I like everything to fit “just so” and then everything is tidy and clean. I do this at work. If my boss asks me for something, I always try to understand the full picture, because then I can offer a better way of doing things. If he simply wants to know x, and I give him x, sometimes he comes back around and wants to know y and z, and had I done the simple asking in the first place, I could have provided that to him upfront.

I do this in relationships too, which doesn’t turn out so well. I can’t take a “we should take a break” and not ask why. I need to understand. And most men don’t want to tell the truth. This isn’t a “he’s just not that into you” chapter, even though it feels that way. So, I asked why. And his response was conflicting. One friend told me it didn’t matter, end of day it means the same thing. One friend told me maybe he’s gay. At least that made me laugh.

Either you want a relationship or you don’t, and either you like me or you don’t. If you are scared, it’s ok, I get scared too.

Monday I gave myself a pity party. It wasn’t just about the one thing. It was every bad thing pressing up against me, reminding me of every failure I’ve ever had. I cried off and on, seeming to turn on randomly, without warning. I talked to a couple friends; I complained, I asked “what’s wrong with me?” But, I also reached out, which is something I didn’t use to do. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I told myself it’s ok to hurt and cry today, but tomorow I’d be ok.

And I woke up Tuesday, eyes sore and tired from crying. I still felt a little sad at my loss this week, but I was ok. I have friends who love and support me when I’m down. I am an intelligent, attractive and creative woman. And any man who can’t see and appreciate that, isn’t worth my time anyway. Easier said than done, sometimes. But this week, I’m ok.

So.. I’ve been on eharmony for a month and like I said before, I’ve only been on one date so far. My friends are telling me to step it up, so I’m trying.

Something I’m running into is that several of the guys that seem the most interested in me are not in the same area. My range is something like 120 miles so it includes the bay area and Reno. Two of the men I was e-mailing today are from Reno, one is from San Jose.

It’s not a huge distance and it’s definitely doable. But I don’t know how this is supposed to work. Like, how do you have a casual friendly meet when someone has to drive 2 hours? Or do you meet in the middle? Or do you do more phone calls before meeting in these types of situations?? I just don’t know.

There are a few guys in the area that have come up, but I don’t want to focus more on a guy just because of location, if I seem to have more a connection with a guy from further away.

Please, I’m looking for advice here.

So.. when M & I broke up last summer, I was heart broken and sure I would never love again. Ask Kate. I assured her I wouldn’t ever do it again. I was done with men.

As time went by, and I realized 1) how much better off I am without him, B) how great a catch I really am and 3) how many OTHER men there are out there, of course, my thinking changed. My pain was still there, but I realized “someday” I would be able to open myself up again.

I told myself that by March 9th I would allow myself to date again. March 9th being “Get Over It” day. Seemed like forever away at the time, and made sense. Well, that was yesterday.

And I’m kind of on the way. I am off my depression medication and hopeful that “so far, so good” will last. (BTW way off topic but I’m dying laughing at Betty pushing her food bowl around the patio. Weirdo.) I signed up for eharmony and have been spending a couple hours every week sifting through men, closing matches due to lazy eyes, strange tattoos or eek! children. Sending messages to guys that attract my attention. Trying not to take it personally when they close me. Or, view my profile twice and never respond (THE PAINTER!).

I’ve actually been on one date so far. A friend date, really. Meeting in early afternoon for coffee and a walk around downtown. It was nice. Or maybe just ok. He wore sandals and that kind of bothered me. He also was 39, and for some reason in my head I thought he was 31. Age doesn’t really matter to me, but realizing afterwards his real age made a lot of the things he said make more sense.

I realized after the date that even though we had a good conversation, I didn’t care if I ever heard from him again. No spark. Just.. if he called – ok, if not – ok, too. Well, he texted the next day, and called a couple days later. I haven’t called back. I guess it’s not that I don’t care if he calls, I think I’d rather he didn’t.

But I got out there. I went on a date and I survived. And I’m in communication with a couple other men. Who knows. More dating stories to come. No guarantees on how interesting they are… I guess the point of this post is to say that I think I finally got over him it.

So.. this post really got me thinking.

Ever since I was little, I have hated feet. I hate having my feet touched, I hate anyone touching me with their feet. I have never met a guy who I felt comfortable with them touching my feet. Even if I’d let them, I’d feel myself inside recoil slightly. Weird, I know.

But the other day M was over and talking about his sore feet. And I offered to massage them. For the record: I didn’t massage them afterall, but I would have.

Chelsea’s post really got me thinking about the things we do, or get over, or are ok with.. because of love.

Besides feet, love has made me see past body hair and various bodily functions. It’s made me forgive perpetual tardiness. Love has helped me deal with our small amount of time together. It’s made me try new foods, step out of my comfort zone. It’s made me ok with not shaving my legs or wearing my make up all the time.

I’ve never been someone who liked to be touched much, or cuddled much. But with M I always want to be touching him, I always have a hand on his arm, on his leg, or just holding his hand. We’ll be sitting on the couch watching tv and I don’t even realize it but I’m constantly touching him.

This is all new.

This is all wonderful.

This is all love.

So.. I have spent the last week trying to decide how to write this post. I don’t know what to say, partially because I still don’t know what is going on. I have never been one to do “do-overs” – I figured if you broke up once, there was a reason for it. But, for some reason, I want to give us another chance.

I keep telling myself, against the warnings of my friends, that it was the timing last time around, the situation, more than either one of us. I know neither of us handled things well at all, and I guess I want to think we’ve both changed over the last six months. All I know is that I like when I am with him.

I don’t want to jinx it right now. I don’t want to over think or analyze any of it. I just want to be.

So.. I wouldn’t say that G broke my heart, although maybe with more time he could have. But, he did crack me, and allowed my heart to be broken later, by two different men. I met G online, through my website message board. We talked, decided to meet, and I chickened out. I was 19 at the time and didn’t think it was a good idea.

Two years later we started talking again, I don’t remember why or how. We decided to meet again, and this time I went through with it. We met at Downtown Plaza and walked the mall, around downtown, talking. It was relaxing; I was able to just talk and open and not worry like I usually do. We got along pretty well, I thought. Our “date” lasted so long (we decided to see a movie after walking) that I had several phone calls and text messages from my sisters and brother-in-law, checking up on me.

Our second date was New Year’s Eve. That was interesting to say the least. It was a “party” (more of a get-together) at Ruth’s house, and it was just Ruth & her family, Miriam and another couple. The most memorable moment of the night was, “Do you know what we’ve been talking about this entire night???” when Laura asked G if he knew that he was surrounded by Mormons (he did). We still laugh about that.

G and I went out a few more times, the last one being my work holiday party (which they always do in Jan or Feb because they are cheap). It was a good date, or as good as it could be considering how horrible my work parties are.

I don’t know what went wrong; I don’t know if he got scared, if I was coming on too strong. But it ended then. He slipped away, pretty much without a word. I pursued, confused. I had never let someone in like this, and then as quick as it started, it was over. I went to his work (a school 45 minutes away), but didn’t see him (the receptionist couldn’t tell me anything about his schedule, which room he was in, even if he was there that day). I left a note I guess he never got. When we finally spoke, his reasons for breaking up with me were because I wasn’t a teacher, and he wanted to date another teacher so they could have things to talk about after work.

…

Yeah.

I cried, I got over it. But, he cracked my heart open, he let me feel and he let me learn to let people in. And three short months later, J took up residence in my heart, where he’ll always stay.

So.. there is one thing I didn’t take into consideration when I decided to buy the house that I bought. The deal, financially, was good. The house itself is beautiful and I am still SO IN LOVE with the floors (and the shutters!). Everything is great about the house, and I’m happy I helped out a friend at the same time (two birds, one stone).

But, I didn’t consider that this is, and always will be, his house. Every moment I am here, I have a memory of him. In this office.. the night I was here and helped him pack. He showed me a picture of his ex wife and asked if I thought she was pretty. In the living room.. he didn’t have couches when he lived here, so I was over and so was Dave and we were all on camping chairs. I made a comment that this did not make for good cuddling. The “nook” .. the night he told me my legs looked good as I sat at the table, and later the conversation we had where he told me people only wait so long for you to open up before they give up.

And the bedroom.. he didn’t have a dresser, all his clothes were piled on the floor. There is a huge master closet and he had the clothes piled in the bedroom. I remember laughing at him, saying he is such a man.. what this place needed was a woman’s touch. The problem is, now it’s got the woman, but it’s missing the man.

Deep down I know that it always will. But I can’t give up hope, at the same time. Love isn’t always rainbows and butterflies.. it’s pain and it’s compromise and it’s giving up everything to make him happy. Because, if he’s happy, somewhere inside, I’m happy. And I’m not “waiting” for him, I’m living my life.. but I will always love him. And when he comes back, when he tells me he needs me, I’ll tell him what I’ve always said.. that I love him, I want him to be happy, and to come home.

It’s not true.

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So.. Tom Hanks’ character in “You’ve Got Mail” asked, “Do you ever feel like you’ve become the worst version of yourself?” The answer to this question is yes. Or, in some weird way, I hope so. Weird because who hopes they are the worst version but true because I hope I don’t get worse than this.

I was told yesterday I am “sabotaging” myself. And I don’t know why I’m doing it. I feel angry, I’ve been angry all week. But is this the best solution? No matter what advice I get, and it has all been the same, I don’t listen. Like I was also told yesterday, I’ve already made up my mind. And I have. Part of me knows I made the wrong decision, but I’m doing it anyway.

I am trying to avoid pain by walking right into it. And in doing so, I am hurting the one I love the most. I have rationalized, what they don’t know can’t hurt them, but is that even true? And what if the truth comes out, what then? Another lie..? Another attempt to avoid the pain? Will another version of myself emerge, one even worse than this one?

I don’t like the way this picture is being painted and yet tonight I will pick up the brush and paint another stroke..