Please read part one if you missed it earlier.

So.. I’ve spent the last week trying to figure out exactly what to say next and where to go from here. There is just so much and it bounces around in my head and I can’t figure out how to put it into words. I am sure at some point I will come back and detail more of the events from my teenage years, but after tonight I want to jump to this part of the story.

I forget when my dad moved out of the house exactly, but my parent’s divorce was finalized in August 2007. Strangely enough, the divorce didn’t affect much of our regular traditions. Our family gets together a couple times a month (except when busy) for dinner, and my dad was still invited. Everyone I know would tell me how strange that was, but considering how we were raised, and the relationship my parents always had, it really didn’t seem that strange to me at the time.

But, Thanksgiving was just around the corner and I was hosting. I remember asking people to RSVP so I’d know how many place settings to put out. My mom called me one day while I was at work and told me she had just been to the dentist and saw my dad there (how weird they had an appointment on the same day at almost the same time!) and he told her he had a girlfriend and wanted her to come to Thanksgiving.

Just a few short months after their divorce was final (from a 30+ year marriage!), he had a girlfriend he wanted to meet the family, including his ex-wife. I was so confused on how to act. For one thing, I didn’t even know he was dating anyone, let alone to the point of inviting her to a holiday dinner. It just seemed so crazy and rushed. You’d think after being married for over thirty years you would want to spend some “ME” time and figure yourself out. Learn to be on your own, to be yourself, before jumping into another “we.”

So I again sent out the question of who would be attending and if they were bringing anyone. Still no response from him. I was frustrated and angry. For anyone not to respond to the hostess is just rude, especially when I kept saying I need to know…

I forget when it came out, but at one point we found out he wasn’t bringing his girlfriend, she was now his fiance.

And yet he hadn’t responded to let me know if he was coming or bringing anyone. I repeatedly said if he just showed up on Thursday I would not allow it, there would not be a seat for him and he would not be welcome.

He worked his way through calling all of my siblings and finally got to me.

[Actually, this is funny: I went to the dog park (one near my mom's house) one day the week before Thanksgiving and as I was walking up the path back to my car, I saw my dad's car right next to mine. I thought for a minute, IS HE STALKING ME?? Then I saw Andrew in the car. Apparently my dad took him there for privacy to tell him what was going on. I guess he took each of my little brothers out. What's so funny is my dad didn't recognize my car, or notice me walking up, getting me and my very large dog in the car, and driving away.]

Anyway, I digress. So I was the last to be told. I’m not surprised I was the last to be told, because I think he was scared of my reaction, as I am the one who likes him the least and is the most vocal about my feelings. He actually tricked me, first he called from a number I knew, and I let it go to voicemail because I didn’t want to deal with it right then. Later that evening he called from another number I didn’t know and I answered… *sigh*

When he called, he told me this very long story about meeting this woman at a church dance, going out with her to Apple Hill, and then about a date they took to the Mormon temple. He went on and on about how while he was there, he was impressed upon that this was the woman for him.

Now, everyone knows I don’t go to church, so I found it funny he used the religious story to tell me about his new woman. Ruth told me when he told her about it, he didn’t go into that part, but told her something else. It just goes to show how much he knows me..

She came to Thanksgiving and I’m sure she’s a nice enough woman. But anyone who would be with my father I seriously have to question their judgment and possibly their sanity.

My dad told us they were going to get married in just three weeks, and I was once again shocked. As siblings we decided to talk to my dad, express our concerns and how we were feeling. This was not the first time we did something like this, we actually had talked to him the year before about certain things, and what we expected of him and how the divorce would be handled. I’ll write about that another time, as it ties in perfectly to the events of last week. (We actually even talked to him BEFORE the final decision for them to divorce, with plans of how to possibly salvage the marriage. He ignored all advice given at that point.)

Anyway this time we talked to him about things that concerned us, about him rushing into marriage, about whether he had been honest with her about why his previous marriage ended, about how things were going. I don’t know what all he said to her or what the real reasons were, but they didn’t get married three weeks later as planned. She was sick or something, was the excuse, but obviously there was more to it.

According to my dad they are still seeing each other, although she did not come to Thanksgiving this year; we haven’t seen her since Easter of last year when she came unexpectedly. Who knows what’s really going on with that. Honestly, who cares.

I think my main point in sharing this part of the story is just to show once again how my dad makes bad decisions and thinks about himself above all else. I know the story may seem like bits and pieces but as it all falls together it just shows a selfish man and how he has pushed his entire family away, despite them trying to help him again and again.

To be continued…

So.. It’s Saturday. It’s beautiful, it’s sunny, it’s bright. Sure, it’s Valentine’s. But, it’s just another Saturday.

Even though I’m dating someone special, circumstances and other plans have left me spending yet another February 14th alone. I told myself it’s no big deal, because it’s not like it’s anything new. However, this year, it’s different. I woke up feeling a little sad, and I’m just going through the day waiting for it to end.

I spent Thanksgiving without him, Christmas, New Years. But it’s different this time. Maybe because the other holidays are about family and are big and full of traditions. Valentine’s is personal and just between you and that one person, so spending it without him is just hard.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow Monday.

So.. yesterday one of my favorite coworkers (and new [temporary] officemate!) witnessed Josh & I walking through the office near each other. No smile, no wave, no recognition at all. We went from best friends for several years, to not even acknowledging each other in the hall. She told me it was sad and I agreed. We went back to our office and spent some time discussing what’s happened between us, and why and how we got to where we are today.

The truth is, I don’t really know. I don’t know why he’s so mad and upset with me. All I know is I told him the truth about certain things that bothered me, and he’s acted this way ever since.

She told me I should have lunch with him, talk to him, make up. The thing is, I have so much going on right now, I have all kinds of different stresses and other things all at once… I don’t know that I have the time, energy or patience to make an effort at this point. And the fact that HE hasn’t made ANY effort at all, well I just don’t think I care enough right now.

But he hasn’t asked a thing about me, how I’m doing, where I am living/if I bought a house, how things are with M. Nothing. Granted, I haven’t asked him either.

Maybe when things settle down, maybe when my house stuff is finished, maybe then I’ll make an effort. I know I’m stubborn. So is he. Where does that leave us?

In an effort to fully be able to write what happened this week regarding my dad, I really need to give some background. I also thought that maybe by revisiting events from my past, and being able to process and think about them again, it may help me in the challenges ahead.

So.. for as long as I remember growing up, I pretty much knew my parents would someday get divorced. It was never an “if” for me, it was a “when.” I even distinctly remember talking to my friend from elementary school about divorce, because his parents were divorced. My dad was never really involved in raising us, my mom was the one to do everything around the house, get us to school and activities, help us with our homework. With eight kids, that’s hard enough when you have a helpful and involved spouse, I honestly don’t know how she managed what she did on her own with so little help from him.

I only have one real “positive” memory of my dad actually BEING a dad growing up. I was home sick one day and I am not sure why he was the one there, but as I threw up he held my hair back.

Sad, right? The only positive memory of my dad is that he held my hair as I puked.

My parents didn’t communicate much at all. Things were generally left unsaid until it escalated to a point of an argument. I think that was the main problem in their relationship. The other main problem is my dad is extremely selfish.

We always had hand-me-downs, and what we did get “new” was often from a thrift store. This really isn’t a big deal, you make do with what you have. What was a big deal is that my dad always had nice things. And it wasn’t just like a few nice suits to wear to work, it was always more than necessary. Hidden electronics. Multiple pairs of shoes, when the kids all pretty much had one pair for play, one for church. I remember finding a little game system, like a Game Boy, hidden in his room. Why a grown man needs a Game Boy, I don’t know. Especially 1) when his kids don’t have much and b) when he feels the need to hide it.

There are so many examples of his selfishness: he had special laundry detergent that was used for his clothes, while we all used something cheap from Costco; he had special nice fluffy towels, while we all used old towels that often were ripped or worn bare; he had a special universal remote control that he would take back in his room when he was done watching tv.

My dad ran up major credit card debt and my parents had to file bankruptcy. Money from my mom’s inheritance went to paying off my dad’s debt.

Besides the selfishness, my dad is also very impatient and has a temper. Kids are noisy, messy and annoying. When we would be playing, my dad would snap at us, yelling to be quiet with no prior warning. He kicked over tables, leaving a mess behind. He kicked a hole in the wall in one of the bedrooms. I had nightmares of my dad shoving me into the wall in the dining room.

What always hurt the most as a kid, was the way he was at church. People would make comments to me about my family, how lucky I was. They would talk about my dad like he was a saint, a wonderful and generous man. And I would think, WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? The saying about not knowing what happens behind closed doors was so true in my life. He had a “public” face and a “private” face. I always thought that you SHOULD give your best self to the people you love, to your family. Why was it that his best self was reserved for everyone else? Why was it that he cared more about the appearance of having a happy family than actually having a happy family? Why did he care so much about what everyone thought about him, except what his family thought about him?

To be continued…

So.. Chloe and I walked down to the new dog park they finally opened in our neighborhood. It’s really nice, and I’m completely bummed that they didn’t open it until right before I am moving away. *sigh* Irony sucks.

I’m addicted to a Canadian teen tv show and I don’t know how to stop. The new episodes aren’t nearly as good as the last few seasons (my favorite characters are not on it anymore, or are very little) and the writing seems to be getting worse, but I’m still hooked. I don’t know why.

Speaking of tv shows, I’m way more excited than I should be that Survivor is coming back this week. I love this show in an obsessive sort of way.

Last night I learned something very interesting about my dad, and when I say interesting I mean extremely disappointing and yet not surprising. At the end of the day though, it just means one thing: I’m done with him. I’m sure I’ll post about this in more detail later, but for now it’s hard to find words to express my outrage.

I will be getting mail in a few days and I love it! Nothing is better than real mail, especially packages.

I still haven’t signed loan docs on my new house, and I’m starting to worry if we’ll get it closed before I need to be out of this house. Also, I seriously need to work on packing. It’s just slightly overwhelming. I wish I was like Merlin in The Sword in the Stone when he packed up the whole cottage into one little bag. Sweet!

M was thrown headfirst into my family via phone last night. We were talking with Miriam, Ruth & Tom in the background talking. He got a good view of what family events are like. He still seems to like me though, so yay!