So.. last night for some unknown reason I couldn’t sleep. I woke up three times, the last time for at least two hours, laying there thinking about random things. And one of those random things was “if my house was on fire, what would I grab?”

I think it started off because I smelled something smokey and I just thought “uh oh is the house on fire?!?!” It wasn’t. Obviously.

But, it led to an interesting thought. Here is my list..

1) My dogs, of course.

B) If I was upstairs, I would grab my teddy bear I’ve had since I was a baby. If I wasn’t, I don’t know if I’d risk it..

3) My phone, so I could call for help. It’s always nearby anyway.

4) The blanket my sister-in-law made for me for Christmas a year ago. I also thought about the scarves my mom has made me, but they aren’t as handy to grab so I’d just have to ask her to make more. And I thought about the plates Miriam made me for Christmas this year, but again, not handy so probably not.

5) My external hard drive. All my photos are on there. And I realized, it was in my laptop bag, which was in the trunk of my car, parked in the garage. Not exactly the quickest grab. So I think I will not be leaving it there anymore, JUST IN CASE.

Anyway, I realized most of what I own is replaceable, and as much as I like them, I could live without. And I liked the feeling of realizing what matters most to me are things that bring me closer to my family.

If anyone wants to share their list, you can post in the comments or blog it and post your link. I’m curious!

So.. I wasn’t sure if I was going to post this. But, I guess I will.

Saturday was a rough day for me. It started off well; meeting for coffee with my friends, then the farmer’s market. Only, at the coffee house, I learned something I really didn’t want to know.

M is having a baby.

The person who said it doesn’t know about our situation, said it innocently enough to “mutual friends.” And I had to fake a quick smile and hope for a subject change (which, thankfully came quickly).

My first feeling was that I was the female version of Good Luck, Chuck. But, instead of the people I date then marrying the next person after me, instead they get the next girl pregnant. This is the third time. And, the hardest. Not only because I am still suffering from heartache, missing him and at times wishing things were different (even though I keep repeating: I am better off. I am better off. I am better off). But also because I feel so bad for this child.

Supposedly her birth control “accidentally” failed. I’m positive she purposefully “forgot.” And I just sit in wonder at women who think this is the way to trap the man you are with, to make him stay and “love” you. I told a friend recently that honestly, because of what she’s done in the aftermath of everything, they do deserve each other. It’s sad. I thought they were both smarter, more confident people. Apparently they both choose the easy road, and now a child is going to suffer for it.

But, I need to let go. I need to not care. I need to move on.

I was doing well, until I was shopping at Winco and stupidly went down the aisle with the baby items. And I started crying, uncontrollably, like an idiot. I was thinking of everything he had said to me, everything we had hoped for and planned for. I know he’s not the man I thought he was, that I wanted him to be. I know that I don’t want a family with THIS man. But the man who he used to be (or pretend to be?).. I did see a future, a family with him. And supposedly he saw it with me.

And now, hearing that he’s having a family with her instead, it’s like a knife in the heart, all over.

So.. one month (and a few days) into the new year, and I wanted to check in on my “resolutions”..

1) Experiment. I have done GREAT on this one so far. I tried brussel sprouts and learned I actually like them! I’ve also done a few recipes I liked that other people made, but had previously never made myself. Oh! And i did another Julia Child recipe! And, as evidenced by all the pics, I have tried several new cupcake recipes! Watch for more to come!

b) Money. Ugh. This one is harder, and still needs work. I’m using my tax refund responsibly though, so I guess that’s a start.

3) Letting Go. Some days are better than others. Sunday, driving home from the Superbowl, I realized I hadn’t really thought about M all day. I was so proud of myself!

4) Losing. Well, I’ve been great on the working out part. I work out 5-7 days a week, and I’ve been eating a LOT more healthy. But, I’m not dropping weight. I think it’s because I’m gaining muscle, so that’s a good thing. Clothes fit me well, I feel better about myself. So I guess this is good. I need to ignore the numbers!

We’ll see how I’m doing in another month or two!

Saturday night we baked delicious Snickerdoodle Cupcakes. They taste just like snickerdoodle cookies, and have a great frosting that’s almost like a marshmallow cream. Yum!

Esther & Jared climbed up on the counter to lick the bowl when we were done.

Finished product: gorgeous AND delicious!

This one was my favorite museum we went to. The airplanes were so cool and getting to sit in them was incredible!

I am a beautiful butterfly!

This fish loved Esther! He would come up when she’d touch the glass, but swim away really quickly!

You can’t tell, but she’s pointing at the guy driving the train behind her.

This was my favorite set of dishes on the dining car.